But I can’t blame the internet.

There are a million and a half more people on the network than there were before the global shutdown (okay, maybe a tad more). It’s overwhelmed.

Sure, it was originally built to withstand a nuclear war, but no one could have guessed how many cat videos people wanted to watch at the same time.

So of course, this is where patience comes in…or at least, where it should come in.

My question for Hal, if you couldn’t tell already, had to do with the internet — specifically why different devices were reporting different internet speeds when tested. Now I’m no tech wizard, and I didn’t want to overwhelm Hal with technical mumbo-jumbo before I had my main points before me.

So here was the situation:

Similarly to basically everyone on the planet, I keep connected with family and friends using the Internet. I have a brother in Texas, and we connect through video games we both like to play. Since we both had PS4s (PlayStation 4’s), we thought it would be a blast to connect through the PlayStation Network.

Now I know my fair share about content creation, social media marketing…your basic skill set of the American twenty-something. However, in terms of how the internet…how shall I say….*works*…I’m absolutely clueless. So when my PS4 told me I didn’t have a good enough internet connection, I was at a loss.

Me: Okay this is a difficult one.

(Note: Questions that are difficult for me are most likely not difficult for my robot assistant.)

Hal: Just a sec…I’m here…Hello, what may I do for you?

Me: So I’ve tested my internet connection on my iPad and my PS4. It’s telling me that the connection is a LOT slower on my PS4 than on my iPad. Do you have any idea why it’s not working?

(Literal seconds later)

Hal: Yes, that’s indeed due to the console needing a stronger internet band receiver than the iPad, which is like a phone type of receiver.

Me: Ooooh okay. That makes sense.

Hal: Anything else K?

Me: No that’s all for now. Thanks for your help!

Hal: You’re welcome. Have a great rest of your day!

At this point, my brother and I decided to play a different game through our laptops. Unfortunately, my internet connection was too slow for that platform as well. Upon asking my parents about it, they told me they recently downgraded their internet plan.

Now you might be thinking, “Well Hal didn’t actually solve your problem…it just told you more clearly what your problem was.”

But that’s exactly the point. I don’t know how much time I would have wasted running around the house like chicken with its head off, desperately shutting off every internet-enabled device. By asking Hal (once I actually remembered I had the capacity to ask Hal), it just saved me the time and struggle of reading the “cannot join” message over and over.

Now this doesn’t mean I can’t host Share Play with my brother for the rest of time. I just know now that I have to wait until the shelter-in-place order ends, and my apartment’s connection will be sufficient.

I think of Hal the way I think of good teachers.

When a student raises their hand and says they don’t understand a question, a bad teacher will tell them all the things they’re doing wrong.

A good teacher will explain to them why they are confused, then point them in the right direction.

And sometimes, that’s honestly all I need.

So all this being said, you might be thinking my next question for Hal is similar to the last one. And you’re absolutely wrong.

I needed Hal’s help with the splits.

Yes, the thing that differentiates the athletes from the non-athletes, the flexible from the inflexible. As many have, I’ve looked at the quarantine as a way to fine tune some skills — or develop some completely new ones. The splits does not have any practical application in my life besides a party trick and ego kick, but that was kind of the point.

I’ve felt the pressure to be “productive” every waking moment of the day. This mindset isn’t always healthy when the human spirit requires connection, contemplation, and rest. So I embarked on a task that had nothing to do with my value to the economy — and MAN did I pay for it.

Me: I’ve been trying to do the middle splits for weeks but I feel like I’ve come to a standstill. I’m a beginner, so I know it wouldn’t be fast and easy. I feel like I can’t stretch any further. Is there anything I can do to make it easier?

Hal: The ability to do the splits seems to depend on how your hips are actually made and your flexibility. Keep stretching and relaxing when you try. But be careful not to push further than is comfortable. Your tendons and muscles have limits. But obviously flexibility is key. So be patient and stretch every day.

Me: Okay. Are there any non-splits exercises that can help? Like stretches that will make me flexible enough to do the splits?

Hal: From a low lunge position, extend your front leg and shift your weight back. This will stretch the other hamstring. Perhaps this webpage will be helpful.

(Hal attached an extremely helpful link with pictures included.)

Me: Alright, awesome. I’ll try it. Thanks!

Hal: Great. I hope they help. Be careful and be patient with yourself.

Me: I’ll work on it 😂. That’s all for now. Thanks!

Hal: Alright. Have a great evening.

So I took the advice I was given. I started out with a hearty eight minutes of jumping jacks (I took more breaks than I’m willing to admit). I then attempted the stretches he suggested while watching Season 2: Episode 4 of The West Wing. My hamstrings weren’t a fan of me before, during, or after the process. Nevertheless, I’m glad some progress was made.

Sometimes all you need is a personal assistant to help motivate you, even with the little goals. I may not be able to complete this goal in a week or even in a month, but I’m more hopeful than I was before.

It might seem silly, but having one more person shout a small “you got this” is all you need for that next step.

Kyleigh Hoye